Making our way through the campsite to our pitch (glamorously placed between toilet block two and three, according to the very helpful check-in staff), it’s time to reverse in and get set up.
Now, it’s at this point in the story that some of you might be thinking: “Ah! It’s the first time this fella’s caravanned properly and now he’s reversing into a pitch for the first time – this should be interesting!”
Well, the thing is that thanks to the manoeuvring course I went on with the Camping and Caravanning Club a couple of months ago, I’ve actually reversed into pitches a few times, robbing this moment of the clottish comedy merriment it would otherwise have served up.
My fear is associated with something else: setting up the caravan. I’ve never plugged it all in, sorted the Aquaroll – all that proper practical stuff. And if you’ll allow me to press the caps lock and use shouty font to emphasise the following point...
I’M USELESS AT PRACTICAL STUFF.
I check an email on my phone from Caravan managing editor, John, detailing all the things I need to do to get the van up and running. He signs it off by saying: “This should take a normal person 20 minutes – allow yourself 90.”
With a screaming baby and a four-year-old itching to burn some energy, I do what any self-respecting coward would do: call maintenance and get them to help me. John was right: it only takes 20 minutes. 19, if you cheat.
Pitching's hungry work
So with perky clear skies, a mild breeze indicating that we left El Niño somewhere on the A1 and a caravan that has running water and fully-functioning central heating, it’s time to get stuck into Flamingo Land.After a long journey we’re all a bit peckish, so we head to a little food court. Three really nice, freshly made rolls and two drinks set us back £8, which is not bad value for a theme park (I have vague recollections of having to re-mortgage after we had lunch at Peppa Pig World last year).
Ride-wise, Flamingo Land has all ages covered, from gently undulating helicopter affairs to really fast, loop-the-loop roller coasters that look far too hectic for me. Did I mention that I’m a coward?
Where the park is brilliant is that it has loads more besides rides: there’s a cool little aquarium featuring some very entertaining seals, a zoo with loads going on and a massive outdoor pirate ship playground that Oscar happily loses himself in for an hour while Alex feeds Morten.
All about the park
Flamingo Land is huge. With nearly 60 rides and the zoo spread across 375 acres (about 250 full-sized football pitches), it means that it never feels particularly crowded and even though we’re here in half-term, I don’t see any ridiculous queues to get on anything. The staff are all really friendly and helpful too.However, time flies here and we’re soon forced to come to terms with the depressing reality that it’s 5pm and almost dark, so we decide to find somewhere to have dinner (this is working on the basis that once we get back to the caravan and Alex cranks up the heating to its full-on ‘toasty female’ setting, the chances of getting her out again are less than remote).
I remember that I saw a pub called The Coach House next to the massive pirate ship earlier, so we head for that. It’s open to the public too and I thoroughly recommend it if you’re passing: it’s a nice quiet place (well it was until we turned up with a screaming baby), and the portions are very generous. Alex ordered the jerk chicken and could only finish half of it. Sadly I had to dispatch the rest for her, but that’s the kind of selfless guy I am.
Dreading bedtime
After the culinary pleasantness, it’s back to the Coachman and the part of any caravanning holiday that fills me with dread: bedtime. This is mainly because we have a baby whose mission in life is to make sure he and anyone else in close proximity gets the most rubbish night’s sleep ever – as the occupants of the two caravans either side of us will realise at about 3am.Baby issues aside, the five-berth Vision is set out quite nicely, with a make-up double bed and two bunk beds providing the kipping options. Oscar is instantly taken with the fact that there’s a bed at the top of a ladder and he’s straight up there, pausing only to flick on one of the cosy little LED lights that are dotted around the van as a makeshift nightlight. He’s asleep before I’ve even had the chance to offer him a bedtime story.
Meanwhile, the double bed is way more comfortable than two ‘fold-down’ sofas have any right to be. Even for a clown like me it’s really easy to set up; all you have to do is pull one of the seats up and slide the bed underneath across, before using the two long back rests to fill in the gaps.
It’s about the width of the normal double bed we’ve got at home but, annoyingly, it’s more comfortable, meaning my missus will now want a new mattress. Thanks Coachman.
The double bed also has a handy area at the end about two-foot long and a foot wide – a perfect little snoozing area for Morten right next to our pillows. I’m sure Coachman didn’t intend for this tiny corner of caravan real estate to be used in this manner, but if I was the designer of the Vision 580/5 I’d be claiming this as an act of baby-friendly genius and demanding an immediate pay rise.
Some like it hot
If my stress levels are heightened by having to do practical stuff, then Alex’s happiness fluctuates in accordance with how warm it is. As a result she’s straight in there with the central heating controls, fiddling around with the buttons and trying to find the icon on the digital display that shows massive flames, or a furnace, or an erupting volcano. She duly succeeds and it’s soon so hot that even she agrees to turn it down.Tomorrow we’ll be off to Castle Howard, and I’ve somehow got to sell the idea of visiting a Downton Abbeyish period property to a four-year-old boy who’s going to be severely non-plussed by its Baroque central dome. A check of my watch before I put the lights out reveals it’s 10pm, and a day that started with the BBC warning us not to travel has been hectic but brilliant.
For now, though, it’s blissfully warm, comfy and quiet. Until 3am, that is…
