Tracker Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 An old sheepdog called Shep loves chasing rabbits but before long he discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch and poor old Shep thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doggy doo dah now!" Noticing some old bones on the ground close by he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat and just as the panther is about to leap, Shep exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here? Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old sheepdog nearly fooled me! Meanwhile squirrel Nutkins who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes and soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, old Shep may be old but being a sheepdog he is no fool and seeing the panther approaching with the squirrel on his back he thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, Shep sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, he says..... quite loudly - "Where's that flippin' squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!" So who says an old dog can't learn new tricks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Does nobody else have anything to try and bring back the humour to thsi forum? Try this one for size then - proper poetry - FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback, Down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;...... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like And stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Go on then, anything to keep you quiet. Vern's Funeral. Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league." When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognise her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and Storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it; she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.' VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 And another one. Thinking of you Rich with the 1st question. ;-> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL...... MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT AR**D, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED........ 'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Cheers Dave, at someone is trying, very! This is one from last year that I particularly liked - Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As as a piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the middle of the country. I was not familiar with the backwoods so I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions and I finally arrived an hour late and saw the preacher had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 And for all the wino's on here :-D Does Wine make you Fat? Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN... Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 People are only ugly when you are sober! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Ripped off from Wikipedia: Wrongly attributed to Noel Coward is a quotation about the Queen of Tonga. He is alleged to have been sitting under cover from the heavy rain with Princess Marina, Duchess of Kent at the Coronation in London in 1953. Opposite them was the vast Queen Salote of Tonga. Princess Marina is supposed to have asked "Noel, who is that little man sheltering under Queen Salote's umbrella?" Coward is said to have peered through the rain and said "Oh, her lunch, my dear." In a later interview with Walter Harris, Coward revealed it had been said by someone at White's Club and was immediately attributed to Coward. "It was very flattering of course, except that I had intended to visit Tonga the following winter, and after that of course it was quite impossible." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Apocryphal Buck House late 40s garden party tale. Actor Ernest Thesiger to fellow attendee: Hi, my name's Ernest. I'm an actor. Fellow: Hello. My name's George. I'm a king. (Thesiger enlisted in the military at the outbreak of the World War I in 1914. He was wounded in the field and sent home (At a dinner party shortly after his return, someone asked him what it had been like in France, to which he is supposed to have responded "Oh, my dear, the noise! and the people!") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Apocryphal tale of the Queen's visit to Oz while her sister was married to Tony Armstrong -Jones. She asked one of the photographers technical questions about lenses and so on. When we was surprised at her knowledge she explained that her brother-in-law was a photographer. "Gee", said the photographer, "that's an amazing co-incidence, cos my bruv-in-law is a queen!". It's true..I kid you not (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-20 8:45 PM People are only ugly when you are sober! Thought I'd slip a cheap one in here Rich... :-D I'm sober. I'm looking at your avatar. It's true. Dave :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Gee thanks sweetie - you say the nicest things - just not to me! That's always the trouble with slipping a cheap one in Dave - it can get you into all sorts of trouble and I can now fully understand whey you have no photo on here - there is no camera lens strong enough to survive the shock! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I've seen pictures of a couple of old bangers he knocks around with ;-) ...........Ones a topless model :D ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Hi Rich, the photo is from my modeling day's. I couldn't find a shirt as bad as your's or Peter's so this will have to do. Dave, if it's any consolation, it's been snowing here *-) Dave Bakum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Cheers Dave - you look like a dubious cross between a terrorist and a Dalek about to go skiing on your fresh snow! No wonder you were shy about it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-21 12:11 PM Cheers Dave - you look like a dubious cross between a terrorist and a Dalek about to go skiing on your fresh snow! No wonder you were shy about it! Yes Rich, I'm quite shy and reserved....but there's no need to tell you that is there B-) Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Even when posing in your big shiny Jagamagigamobile? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-21 1:37 PM Even when posing in your big shiny Jagamagigamobile? Oh yes......the Royal Wave and the nod (spelt right) of the head. :-D Dave Windsor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 Oh I do so miss the nodding head and universal wave since we sold the Jag and have had to slum it in a Lexus! On the bright side, the Lexus never fails to proceed or ever develops a single irritating little glitch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-21 1:51 PM On the bright side, the Lexus never fails to proceed or ever develops a single irritating little glitch! Have you ever wished you had never said something 8-) :D If there's ever a time when it happened to me.........I'll jump into the other one :-D or maybe the daily driver, spoilt for choices :-> Dave Threecars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 2:06 PM Have you ever wished you had never said something 8-) :D Frequently! At least the other one, being a Honda, is just as dependable! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 11:37 AM Hi Rich, the photo is from my modeling day's. I couldn't find a shirt as bad as your's or Peter's so this will have to do. Dave, if it's any consolation, it's been snowing here *-) Dave Bakum Is that a picture of you returning from your colonic irrigation appointment Dave? (lol) ................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Nope, it was on one of my modeling assignments :-D I've never been to the Colonies. Dave Bakum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 pelmetman - 2015-02-21 2:15 PM Is that a picture of you returning from your colonic irrigation appointment Dave? (lol) ................ Can't be - 'cos he is still full of it! (Sorry Dave - couldn't resist) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 2:22 PM Nope, it was on one of my modeling assignments :-D I've never been to the Colonies. Dave Bakum Page 3 of "The Daily Plunger"? :D ...........Lancashire's sinking to new depths (lol) ........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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